We have been discussing expectations related to our happiness and success in our workshops for years. A recent book, Your Brain at Work, by David Rock (2009) puts some new light on the subject–There is a physiological reason we are disappointed when life does not meet our expectations. It has to do with dopamine. Alina Tugend explains this theory in an excellent article, What Did Your Expect? It Makes A Difference, on Jan 14, 2012 in the NY Times:
‘If we expect to get x and we get x, there is a slight rise in dopamine. If we expect to get x and we get 2x there is a greater rise. But if we expect to get x and get 0.9x, then we get a much bigger drop. Our brain doesn’t get slightly unhappy, it sends out a message of danger or threat.”
The conclusions from this research, as well as others, indicate that we must adapt to change and not to expect too much during this time of economic instability—especially when there are things out of our control.
In our book, Upside: How to Zig When Life Zags, we say the following:
“Feeling that you are entitled to a certain way of life, or expecting it to turn out a certain way, could be holding you back from success and happiness. Many of us were raised by parents who expected us to get an education, find a great job, buy a house and start a family. While that may have been possible for your parents, it set the bar for unrealistic expectations and feelings of entitlement for you today.”
If you can detect the source of your expectations, the upside is that it will be easier to move ahead on your journey to sustainable success. Holding on to what life should have will make deal with the not-known more difficult.
Each year at this time, we make a list of things we want to change or improve. Some individuals make wishes—things they hope will occur in the new year.
At a recent winter Solstice celebration, we wrote on paper our passions—things that we can do in 2012 that make a difference in the world. We then shared them with the group.
My suggestion is to expand this idea is to include children in the process. My friend, Judy Chiss, former educational director of the Children’s Museum in Chicago, said she was making a “wish booklet” with her children and grandchildren.
This concept has great merit for introducing the idea of goal setting to young adults and children. It also offers the opportunity for a dialogue between family members. It creates opportunities for expression and learning more about each other. Imagine your child setting a goal to finish homework on time or not fighting with a sibling. This intention offers opportunities for self-managing and awareness.
Parents, too, can set goals such as no email, texts or phones after work thus creating more chances for face to face communication with family members. Once these goals are said out loud, the family has a responsibility to work together to reach their goals.
New Year’s goals, intentions, and wishes can be an excellent way to achieve something important, especially when they are shared. Make a wish list with your family today and see how your family system can improve.
In addition check out our book, Upside: How to Zig When Life Zags to increase the probability of your success.
Whitney Ferre believes that each of us in an artist, actively creating art called “life.” Despite that fact that Whitney is not some who could paint or draw as a trained artist, she opened two Creative Fitness Centers that do just that – show people how to create change in their lives through art.
According to Whitney, natural talent is not the driving factor behind creativity. Instead, it is the art making that creates the bridge from your logical, analytical left brain to the infinite, intuitive, miracle creating right brain. Her results have been so exciting that her art classes led to a published book, The Artist Within, and also an online Creatively Fit program. (www.creativelyfit.com)
The journey has not been without setbacks. Amidst opening two art centers, having three children and publishing two books, Whitney also opened and operated two wine bars with a partner. Unfortunately, the wine bars ended up in the red, which created much self-doubt. Whitney recognized the power of experiencing such kind of failure and refocused her vision on Creatively Fit. She now coaches and has an entire team of Creatively Fit Coaches across the United States, Africa, Europe and Australia.
For Whitney, there is no greater joy than creating joy in others. When her clients transform from “I can’t even draw a straight line” to creating their own art, her purpose is proven. Whitney believes that art making is a portal to your higher, infinitely creative self and there is no greater reward that helping individuals experience this.
This eight-part blog series, exclusively for www.UpsideTheBook.com, highlights the Every Woman Visionary. Each of these women, along with myself, are featured in the first-ever Spirited Woman 2012 Directory: Resources For An Inspired Life! (www.thespiritedwoman.com) set to launch tomorrow on 12/12/11. It is an exciting time for women, and the FREE magazine-style digital directory – rich with inspirational stories, resources and more – is our gift to you. Women from six countries and over 25 states participated in the directory.
During my vacation trip to Africa, I didn’t have my cell phone. There were a few days of withdrawal especially with email. I survived but I now that I’m back in the US I can admit to being addicted.
In our book, Upside: How to Zig When Life Zags, we discuss Need Vs. Want and ask readers to seriously ask the question as they make daily choices—especially in this economy. Do I really need this item?
“I need that toy”! Exclaims a child to his mother is a store. This often-heard phrase is a reminder of our society’s use of the word need. We need shelter and food—but what else do we really need? Abraham Maslow created a diagram in 1943 that outlines basic needs of mankind. Shelter and food are the essential foundation of the hierarchy, and once those are satisfied, love, acceptance, meaningful work and social relationships follow. (Excerpt)
In an August 19 article in the Chicago Tribune, a reporter, Mary Schmich, writes about getting her cell phone deluged in Lake Michigan in a wet biking splash. After days without a cell phone, she still managed to get her story written—no easy task. She had some words of wisdom as she was going through cell phone detox, “Life is largely a series of itches. We mistake cravings for necessities, dependencies for needs.”
As we know cell phones and other “tech toys” make life in our busy world easier, but what are the lessons that we can learn from Mary’s experience? In retrospect, without my phone I was able to be fully present and not distracted. I had a richer experience and was able to quiet my mind and enjoy my trip more.
As you go through your work week, be aware of those things in your life that you feel you really need. Try going without a phone, computer, or other devices. See if you can determine those things you crave vs. necessity– and, avoid those itches.
These are exciting times and important events with the new protests as they indicate changes are in the air. People are frustrated and looking for solutions. The world has become more difficult to navigate and people are angry and confused, and want to make the world a more livable place for themselves and others. In our book, Upside, we discuss “the not known is the new norm” which is happening and creating instability. People want stability and that comes when change occurs at all levels—corporate, government, and individual.
As I listen to comments from protesters one theme seems to reoccur: the American Dream. One protester in Florida said, “I feel like the American Dream has passed me by.” Others have said, “What happened to the American Dream?” We have researched this topic and address it in our book at length– It is time to reinvent your American Dream to adapt to the changing times. Your American Dream will look different moving forward than it did in the past. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy and prosper. It does mean that you will have to change the paradigm so it is sustainable.
My hope for the protest groups is that they organize at some point to address their issues and put them in categories so we all can brainstorm and begin problem solving. There are answers and ways to address all the issues but it will take a commitment and willingness from our whole society to change. The New American Dream will be at the core.
My perception of the simple life changed dramatically after my recent trip to the countries of Namibia and Botswana in Africa.
In my US workshops, I often ask people to determine what are the things in their life that contribute to happiness. The subsequent discussion with attendees usually includes how to lead a simpler life and be happy.
In my travels through Africa, my observations about the simple life caused me to reflect once more. For Africans, access to basics like water and electricity are minimal. Cooking is simple, done outside over a wood burning fire. This is the extreme in simple living. Walking five miles a day for water is a normal activity for everyone. Transportation to anywhere is limited to donkey carts or hitching rides.
I’ve read about these living circumstances but seeing it first hand, is monumental. I didn’t do any surveys on happiness but children playing without toys seemed very happy. Our guide said that “when you don’t know any other life it is easy to accept your circumstances and be happy with what you have.”
We can’t compare our US lives to African ones but we can take on their attitude of being happy with what we have—which is ten times more than any individual living in the African villages.
When asked in a recent radio interview on happiness what I was thankful for it was easy to reply—clean water out of a faucet. What are you grateful for that contributes to your happiness?
You may be surprised to know that Americans work harder than our counterparts abroad. While Europeans enjoy months at a time of “holiday,” Americans remain hard at work. The numbers on relaxation and vacation are in – and they are not in our favor! (more…)
Recent statements and interviews regarding the economy have promoted the idea that we all must experience the pain of the downturn. I’m puzzled by the phrase because pain isn’t what is needed. Rather, we need to be mindful and aware of our choices in our lifestyles, finances, and careers. Being aware means that we do our homework and research to make the best choices for the changing times. It doesn’t have to painful – it needs to be smart. (more…)
While attending a recent conference, I heard an interesting definition of the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is the belief that you are 100% skilled in the situation, event or project you are about to undertake; arrogance is the belief that there is absolutely nothing else you can learn in or about a situation or topic.
We all know arrogant people, either at work, home or in the general public. What struck me about the definition for arrogance is the predisposition that there is nothing to be gained from new ideas or information — that resistance to an opposing point of view, which sends the message that “I’m right and you’re wrong.” (more…)
Last night I had the honor of addressing a truly remarkable group of women. The Executive Women International (EWI/ www.executivewomen.org) chapter in Birmingham, AL asked me to be their after-dinner speaker for their annual awards banquet. It was a festive, heartfelt event that reminded me of the power of gratitude.
EWI sponsors a scholarship program for women “off the grid.” These are not traditional students; most are moms going back to school to make a difference in the lives of their family and community. Called ASIST (Adult Students in Scholastic Transition), the program awards four women scholarships from $1000 to $5000. The women who won are truly inspirational – and these are their stories… (more…)
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